It all started with what should have been a sweet, simple, and fun thing for our family to do. But in the next few hours and over a series of events, simplicity seemed to exit stage left while a flurry of complications rushed in to take its place. One minute, everything seemed fine and in the next, it was as if the bottom had dropped out. Has this ever happened to you? It surely did for us just a day or two before Thanksgiving.
Our family has grown exponentially with the additions of several grandchildren, so the discussion of doing Secret Santa this Christmas had come to the table once again. Since everyone’s pocketbooks were crying out in pain over the thought of purchasing gifts for one and all, the solution of choosing names seemed the way to go. My oldest, John,—to get the ball rolling and also being savvy in all things connected with the internet—sent a Secret Santa request via text message, first, to my husband, who is hands-down and by choice, unsavvy on most things beyond landline telephones and answering machines. Here the hoopla begins.
What transpired from the simple to the complicated boiled down to three key factors.
1. Jerry—thinking the whole thing was a joke replied with a bogus ID of BahHumbug and a nonexistent email address.
2. I, the matriarch of the family, was the ONLY one that didn’t receive an email invitation. John’s computer inadvertently forwarded it to an icloud address I don’t use.
3. At the time, being on a high powered antibiotic and a 10-day course of Prednisone that my doctor warned would most likely alter my personality—which I didn’t believe at the time, but now do—I reacted as if I was Lucille Ball on I Love Lucy. “Wagh! I didn’t get an invitation!” Paranoia had walked through the door with gusto.
In the world of sanity how could I think such a thing? My son is the last person on earth to leave anyone out. He would take hurt onto himself rather than let it scar someone else.
As I sat there in my medicinal fog trying to sort out what had happened, my head knew it had to be an accident. My heart, though, was several steps behind. Unreasonable fear had gripped me and for a few crazy minutes, I just knew I was being left in the land of the uninvited. How did I come to this unfathomable conclusion?
Would the accusing replay of the past take the stand? When I was a young parent making mistake after mistake in raising my children, more often than not, when they were tucked in and sound asleep, you could find me kneeling by their beds asking the Lord to forgive me for messing up once again. He did. Apparently I did not. Those deep-seated memories were still with me.
At the right moment, like a revolving door, there they were, stage front, swinging back around to swat me on the keister. One minute I was in the present and in the next, I found myself thinking thoughts, making decisions, and living life from the backpack of the past. And in this particular instance, I knew without a doubt, reaping just dues. In that moment of sheer insanity, guilt was reigning supreme.
Guilt is nasty stuff. It wounds and haunts and is a place where Satan takes evil pleasure in taunting and clothing us in shame. How often do you find yourself batting away at unseen remnants of your past? How often do you forget that through Jesus, “He(God) has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love,…” Colossians 1:13 NKJV
Isn’t that beautiful? This is the Good News of the Gospel. We no longer live in darkness, but in the light of the world. In Jesus. And because of Him, when our past, present, and even our future rains down on us, we can rest in His Peace and Abundant Joy.
This Advent Season and into the New Year, look up to the Lord in hope.
Dear Jesus, when we get tangled up in who we were, or are, or will be, please, by Your grace, turn our faces to look to You. Please refresh our hearts to remember that because of the cross, “It is finished.” Thank You for Your Amazing Love for us. In Jesus name, Amen.
Kimberly
P.S. We did indeed work out the kinks of our Secret Santa gift exchange. All is happy and bright!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Kimberly,
I’m so happy to have you back. I can identify with the guilt running supreme. The first few months of this year I was in depression and prayed fervently to rid myself of thoughts and feelings that Satan was telling me. At the last moment I was with my daughter at the Mayo Clinic in MN. After a week there and the experience of being with fellow Christians and meeting people who were physically ill, the Lord answered my prayers.
Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Merry Christmas and God bless you in the new year.